Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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