If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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