How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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