She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
