Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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