He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
