Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
