You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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