So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
