Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
