Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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