Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
