So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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