Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
