So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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