There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
