I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
