She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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