if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
