She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just had sex on a roof
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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