Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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