I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
