I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
