Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
