Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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