somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
