im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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