it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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