I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
