yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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