dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
