Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
