life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
