...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
