Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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