i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
