Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
