Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
