You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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