Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
