i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
