i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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