I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
