FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
