I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
