i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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