she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
