Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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