I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
