I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Text me some of your sweat
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
