i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
