no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
