Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
